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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22986466">All For Love</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nadja_Lee/pseuds/Nadja_Lee'>Nadja_Lee</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Sentinel (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Sacrifice, Secrets, Sex Work</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2005-03-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2005-03-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 06:48:13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,385</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22986466</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nadja_Lee/pseuds/Nadja_Lee</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Blair discovers a secret Jim has been keeping from him and wonders if this will destroy their relationship.<br/>[Printed in Bonded 5 in 2005 and appearing online for the first time here]</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jim Ellison/Blair Sandburg</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>34</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>All For Love</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Thanks much to the zine editors, betas and staff for making this story possible.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Two years had passed since Blair had declared his dissertation on Jim a fraud. Two years since he had said no to becoming Jim’s official partner and instead started a new dissertation at another university. It had been two wonderful years as Jim and Blair had become lovers and had fought to put the ghosts of the past to rest. Despite this, Blair often sensed that Jim felt guilty over his death at Alex’s hands and over the loss of his doctorate on Sentinels – despite the fact that Jim had saved his life and Blair, from today forth, held a Ph.D. in anthropology, having written a new thesis on another subject. Blair had felt Jim’s guilt in the presents he would bring him, like a trip to Hawaii a year ago and the jaded wolf necklace he had given Blair for their wedding there, which had been a handfesting ceremony. Of course, it could just be Blair’s ever analytic nature going into overdrive thanks to his degree in psychology. He tried to calm himself with saying that it was nothing more than Jim’s romantic side coming through. Even before they got together, Blair had known Jim was a very passionate and romantic man. However, he also knew that Jim was a master of guilt trips and repression.  Though such concerns came to Blair from time to time then, in general he pushed them aside thanks to the happiness of their relationship.</p><p>Tonight Blair had been driving home from his new university, Wilman’s University, and he hadn’t been able to stop smiling. He had been given his Ph.D. and now all that was left was an official ceremony in two weeks where he would get his honors. Blair had wished Jim could have heard his defense of his thesis but it was held in the evening and, like so often before, Jim had had to work tonight. Though Blair got a little money for working as a teacher at the university, he knew that Jim had to bring in the most money while he was still studying. Since Jim had seemed okay with this, Blair had been as well; he had never been one to argue about money in the first place.</p><p>Blair had been thinking about all the great things he would like to do to, and for, Jim once Jim had had some sleep after his shift at the precinct ended; and in his happiness and haste to get back to the loft, Blair had driven through the poorer part of town, down past the strip where both male and female prostitutes were known for selling their goods. He had nearly had a heart attack when he saw someone who looked very much like Jim get out of a black Mercedes and out onto the street. As soon as the car sped off, the man walked away. Blair had almost lost control of his car; but before he had time to think about it, he had driven past the man. No, it couldn’t have been Jim. The man had looked like Jim and he thought he had caught a glimpse of piercing blue eyes; but it couldn’t be Jim. His clothes, all tailored in tight black, revealing but classic, weren’t Jim’s style and were too nice to fit into the cheap environment of the strip.</p><p>Blair had tried to reach Jim when he made it home but got no reply on his cell phone. After having tried to read a book, watch TV, and meditate with no hope of relaxing, he had finally given in and called Simon. He was being foolish, Blair told himself, but he couldn’t shake off the bad feeling he had. He hadn’t been to the precinct since he had been offered the job as a police officer but he still saw some of the friends he had made there from time to time. Last time he had seen Simon had been two weeks ago at Thanksgiving. As always, they had talked about everything but work, a subject still sore for all of them since Blair had left after turning down Simon's job offer.</p><p>“Simon?” Blair asked into the phone as soon as Simon picked it up.</p><p>“<em>Blair</em>?”</p><p>“Yes, it’s me. Simon, I was just wondering what assignment you’ve given Jim tonight,” Blair blurted out. Before Simon had a chance to reply, he hurried to add, “I thought I saw him downtown and I was just wondering if you have him down there, that’s all.”</p><p>There was a long silence that made Blair nervous and he began to wonder if Jim had been hurt and Simon was searching for the nicest way to tell him. Though Simon didn’t like details, he did know about Jim and his relationship and would try to break such grim news gently.</p><p>“<em>Blair, I think this is something you need to talk with Jim about</em>,” Simon’s voice was so soft yet serious that it sent shivers down Blair’s spine.</p><p>“Simon! Just tell me what’s going on!” Blair yelled into the phone in frustration. Another agonizing silence followed and Blair feared he would get no answer, but then he heard Simon sigh.</p><p>“<em>Blair</em>,” Simon began softly, “<em>Jim hasn’t worked for me in almost 18 months</em>.”<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>“<strong><em>What</em></strong>?!” Blair’s voice sounded as stunned and shocked as the expression on his face. “But…but…Jim has been going to work every day… He's told me about his work… He wouldn’t lie to me,” Blair insisted stubbornly.</p><p>“<em>Wouldn’t he</em>?” Simon asked gently. “<em>If he thought it was best for you</em>?”</p><p>Before Blair could reply, he heard the key turn in the front door and Jim entered. The shock nearly made him drop the phone. Instead of his normal pants and sweatshirt Jim had gone to work in that morning, he now stood dressed all in tight-fitting black, looking devilish handsome but very unlike himself, bearing a sensual edge Blair had never seen Jim use in public. In his hand was a bag, probably containing the clothes he had left in that morning, which he put down beside the door.</p><p>“I…I’ll call you back,” Blair got out as he put down the phone.</p><p>Jim closed the door behind him, his face and eyes holding no hint of surprise, only resolve and a sadness Blair couldn’t understand.</p><p>“You should sit down before you fall down.” Jim broke the tension between them with a forced smile as he took a still-stunned Blair’s hand and led him to the sofa. When they were seated, Jim released Blair’s hand almost as if he was afraid Blair wouldn’t like the touch anymore. Unsure of where to go from here, Jim nervously fiddled with the small leather bracelet Blair had given him for their wedding instead of the normal exchange of rings.</p><p>“I think we need to talk,” Blair said slowly, fighting for control, and was happy that his voice only shook a little. His mind was in chaos and filled with fear, doubt, and a great feeling of betrayal, but he refused to jump to conclusions. That was how their relationship had nearly been broken in the past. They had been married for a year now and he had loved Jim almost from the first day he had laid eyes on him. No one had ever said their life together would be easy but he had always found it worth fighting for.</p><p>“I know,” Jim agreed grimly, his expression closed. Sitting in the half shadows of the dimly lit room at almost one in the morning, the rays of light cast shadows just right for Blair to see the aftermath of a bruise Jim had been showing on his cheek from a fight with a suspect a few days earlier. At least that was what Jim had told him, but now Blair didn’t know what to believe.</p><p>“I did see you earlier tonight being dropped off at the strip, didn’t I?” Blair wasn’t sure what he wanted to hear, but he was already sure that the truth to his question demanded a yes.</p><p>Jim met his gaze evenly. “Yes.”</p><p>Blair’s relief at hearing the truth was quickly overshadowed by a million other emotions that threatened to drown his resolve to stay calm. Seeing Jim’s closed expression, he wanted to curse. Already he could see how Jim’s old defenses were coming back up. He sat stiff and at attention beside him, waiting for what he believed would be a grim verdict from Blair.</p><p>“Simon says you don’t work for him anymore,” Blair began slowly, searching Jim’s face for reactions but finding none. His face was a mask and betrayed nothing, an ability that Blair was sure Jim’s military commanders had appreciated in case an enemy should capture him, but it frustrated Blair to no end. “Did you transfer back to Vice?” He was grasping at straws, but it would explain what he had seen.</p><p>Jim shook his head. “No.”</p><p>“God damn it, Jim! Tell me what’s going on!” Blair exploded, unable to control his temper and fear, despite his best attempts to do so. Jim looked directly at him, his face and voice when he began to speak still unreadable; the perfect soldier.</p><p>“Since the Chief refused to let you ride with me, Megan helped me. She was good but she wasn’t you, my Guide.”</p><p>“Something happened,” Blair guessed insightfully, a hint of fear and anger in his voice over the fact that Jim had withheld this information from him.</p><p>“Yes.” Jim nodded but still betrayed nothing of his feelings, refusing to let the painful memory resurface. “I zoned and put the lives of others and myself in jeopardy.”</p><p>“Why didn’t you tell me?” Blair demanded to know, jumping up from the sofa and standing before Jim with his hands on his hips. Jim raised an eyebrow at him.</p><p>“You would have left the university to become my partner even if you didn’t want to, wouldn’t you?”<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>“Of course.” Blair’s tone of voice relayed he found it strange that Jim even had to ask.</p><p>Jim nodded in satisfaction at hearing the reply he expected. “That’s why I didn’t tell you.”<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>“Because I would and could have helped you? That doesn’t make any sense,” Blair protested hotly.</p><p>Jim’s lips sat in a stubborn line and he crossed his arms over his chest. “It does to me.”</p><p>“How so?” Blair challenged.</p><p>“You already gave up one dream for me. I couldn’t let you do it again,” Jim’s eyes met and held Blair’s, and Blair saw such love and pain in them he almost gasped in shock.<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>“It would have been my sacrifice to make,” Blair said softly, his anger melting away in the light of the love he saw in Jim’s eyes.</p><p>Jim smiled a little sadly. “You have already sacrificed so much for me.”</p><p>The last remains of Blair’s anger and frustration melted away like snow from the sun. He knelt before Jim, taking his hands in his.</p><p>“I love you, so whatever I’ve given you, I have given with joy. It has been no sacrifice.” With those soft words his lips claimed Jim’s in a light and loving kiss. When they drew apart, Jim smiled fondly at him before he helped Blair to his feet and back onto the sofa, gathering him in his embrace.</p><p>“Have I told you how much I love you?” he mumbled into Blair’s shoulder before he drew back so they were eye to eye.</p><p>“Not since this morning,” Blair smiled as they kissed again. When they drew back, Blair’s expression became serious. “Jim, talking about this morning… If you don’t work as a detective anymore, what do you work as?” He almost regretted the question as Jim’s face became as closed as a book.</p><p>Gently but firmly, Jim pulled out of Blair’s embrace and stood up. He went to stand before the window and looked out over the dark night. Blair remained on the sofa and looked at Jim’s turned back, waiting for him to speak.</p><p>“Does it matter?” Jim asked softly.</p><p>Jim's tone told Blair this question was important and he thought about it for a long moment. “It depends on what it is,” he admitted honestly. Jim turned around and faced him, but in the weak light Blair couldn’t make out Jim's expression, though he knew the Sentinel could clearly see his.</p><p>“What do you think it is?” he asked slowly.</p><p>“I don’t know.”</p><p>“Don’t give me that, Chief,” Jim’s voice was hard and sharp. “Of course you know.”</p><p>Blair looked down at his hands in his lap and then up at Jim, fighting to remain calm. He had thought of something, a dark thought he had fought down, killed every time it threatened to surface. He fought to put his thoughts into academic terms so that their impact wouldn’t kill him. “You worked Vice. You have the contacts… You have the looks, the means and the ability to survive in a harsh environment,” he began in a monotone tone of voice, stating facts.</p><p>“And?” Jim pressed softly, the word hanging in the air between them.</p><p>“Do you…” Blair’s voice broke down and he fought back tears. He couldn’t do this…couldn’t say it. Saying it would make it real, would mean he would have to deal with this.</p><p>“Say it.” The words were soft but the command in them was not to be missed. Blair shook his head, tears escaping his eyes. Suddenly Jim was before him, his hands hauling Blair to his feet in a bruising grip. “Say it!”</p><p>“No!” Blair shook his head as Jim shook him back and forth like a rag doll. Jim’s control was slipping and with it came memories of shame, humiliation, anger, helplessness… Emotions he had fought so hard to kill.</p><p>“Ask me if I sell myself for money. It’s what you mean. Ask me!” Jim demanded, his voice and face convoying so many emotions Blair couldn’t make them all out.</p><p>“<strong><em>NO</em></strong>!” Blair yelled and tore free from Jim’s grip, falling back onto the sofa. For a long while neither man moved, their eyes locked on each other. Suddenly Blair looked away, couldn’t look at Jim as he softly asked, “Do you?”</p><p><br/>
Jim straightened and went back to the window, and Blair felt like his obedience to Jim’s command had made Jim feel like he had been proven right about some dark fear he had about Blair. “I did what I had to do.” Jim’s voice was cold as ice, having once again found his control. The memories and emotions were again held at bay, crushed under his military discipline. </p><p>“God damn it, Jim!” Blair yelled, agonized, and got to his feet. He took a step towards Jim but then became unsure and remained where he was, a few feet between Jim and himself. Jim slowly turned around to face him, unshed tears glimmering in his eyes.</p><p>“What will you have me say?” he asked softly, strangling tears before they escaped him. He could not break down; it was not an option. He knew that to survive this, he could never allow himself to feel, to think about what he had done.</p><p>“I don’t know,” Blair admitted just as softly. What he did want was for this night to never have happened… Despite his thirst for knowledge, for once Blair wished he could have remained in ignorance. “Anything but that.”</p><p>“I will apologize for lying to you and for breaking my promise to you that I would always tell you everything and never shut you out again,” Jim began, his voice almost a whisper. “But before I made those vows, I promised I would keep you safe and that will always come first so I can’t and won’t apologize for taking the only course of action available to me at that time.” Even his speech pattern had fallen back into a clear military tone of voice, making the debate impersonal for Jim…more distant, hiding away the pain, humiliation and fear. Turning yet another horrible fact of his life into a mission which had to be done, had to be endured. Going back to his old military strength and ability to do the unthinkable, be it to beg or to kill, yet still move on and refuse to think about it – that was the only way he could get past this, the only way he could survive intact. There had been times when he had made love to Blair when painful memories had resurfaced that would send shudders through his body. He had been able to force down the memories; but fighting down his body’s instinctive reflex to shy away from any human touch, even Blair’s kind one, after an especially painful ordeal, took a lot more control.</p><p>“I was safe, Jim,” Blair whispered brokenly, tears falling from his eyes. Jim stepped close to Blair and reached out a hand and wiped away a runaway tear.</p><p>“Had I told you, you would have deserted your dream. In time, you would have resented me for that. You would have given up your dream and your soul,” he said softly and his right hand found and held Blair’s.</p><p><em>You gave your own soul instead</em>, Blair thought sadly but remained silent, feeling Jim needed to say this without interruptions.</p><p>“Your world is a fantastic and peaceful place, filled with warmth and colors. A world of knowledge, books, freedom and love.” Jim’s voice was a soft caress, but now it became harder, more certain, almost haunted, “You were never meant to be a police officer. Never meant to have to see pain and destruction…to have to see death and maybe even cause it. It would have killed your soul…and that would have killed my own as well,” he admitted and brought Blair’s hands to his lips and kissed each with a butterfly kiss in a way he normally only did when they lay in bed together after having made love. The sweet gesture made more tears escape Blair’s eyes as Jim released his hands again.</p><p>“All the times you were away…all the bruises you had…the concerned looks Simon and the others always seemed to give you,” Blair whispered softly, trying to fit it all together. A thought occurred to him and it made his next question seem harsher than he had intended. “Do they know? Simon and the others?”</p><p><br/>
Jim shook his head. “No one knows. They only know I’ve left the force.” No one should have known. It was easier to pretend it had never happened that way.</p><p>Blair didn’t know what to say. All the gifts Jim had brought him now seemed to burn him. His jade necklace felt like it was strangling him and he had to fight to not tear it off. He had a bitter taste in his mouth and felt like he had violated Jim in some way, pushed him to this. His beloved Jim, so strong, so proud…when he thought about the humiliation he must have endued…especially to sport bruises severe enough to look like a fight…The very thought made it impossible for him to stop the tears from falling.</p><p>“Why?” It was the broken question from a man who had seen his world crumble to dust before his eyes. Jim smiled sadly to him, now seeing that his worst fear could be coming to pass. Despite what he had done, despite it all…He could still lose Blair. Despite his attempts to keep Blair safe from his own ugly world, to keep him untainted…his very love might have pushed him over the edge.</p><p>“I wanted to give you the best.”</p><p><br/>
Blair shook his head in denial, his lips pressed together to form a thin line. “Not like this. Not like this!”</p><p>Jim fought for something to say to ease the pain he could feel and see in Blair, though still afraid to draw nearer. “It wasn’t my first choice by far but being a soldier was all I’ve ever been. I thought about security guard or similar jobs; but I couldn’t put anyone but myself at risk again, so I had to find something else. I tried street fighting and boxing; but when I zoned during matches, those careers were out of the question. Finally, I decided to become a mercenary.” He heard Blair’s sharp intake of breath at this but continued, “That way I would only put myself at risk, but gaining a reputation takes time and I had none. We had bills to pay…”</p><p>“God damn you!” Blair exploded, interrupting Jim’s explanation, and hit him on the chest repeatedly until Jim held Blair's wrists in a strong grip away from himself, his expression still controlled and closed. Blair tore himself free, fighting to regain his balance despite the intense feeling of being crushed that he felt inside. He took a deep, calming breath and said more calmly, “You could have asked me. I could have helped.”</p><p>“I did ask you,” Jim said softly, not sure if it made matters better or worse to admit this.<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>“What?” Stunned, Blair calmed down, now filled with a sense of fear and guilt. He couldn’t recall if Jim had ever asked, but if he had… Had he then driven his lover to this? Had he pushed Jim; had he been the one who had made him fall this far? The very thought was nauseating to him. </p><p>“Some 13 months ago all our savings had been used. I had taken out all the loans I could take and I knew the bank would never give a large loan out to a student who, at 30, was still studying, had no fortune, and nothing to put down as assurance, so asking for a loan in your name was pointless,” he explained and then continued before Blair could protest. “I did ask you then if you could do more work and still study. You said you already took as much work as you could without your studies suffering,” Jim calmly explained.</p><p>Blair frowned. He remembered Jim had said that, but he hadn’t known their situation was that severe. “Better my studies than your life!” Blair protested hotly, shocked to know things had been so bad for such a long time. </p><p>“Blair,” Jim started softly. “You have done so much for me. I wanted to give you something in return. The least I could give you was this.” With a hand he indicated the loft and Blair knew he was also referring to their lifestyle. Though not luxurious, it was comfortable and pleasurable. “A safe place… Somewhere to finally call home.”</p><p>“I won’t accept anything where the price tag says your soul!” He knew his voice was rising and becoming borderline hysterical, but he couldn’t help it. The very thought of what Jim had done for him was too much to handle. No one had ever loved him as much as Jim had…. Now, knowing how endlessly deep Jim's emotions ran, Blair was left with a turmoil of emotions he couldn't control.</p><p><br/>
“And that was why I never told you what I did,” he said calmly as if that explained everything.<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>“Jim…” Blair didn’t know what to say. He felt drained, tired…lost, cold, and alone. His eyes were beginning to dry out for he had no more tears to shed. “Please tell me you at least were never in danger,” he finished in a small voice. He knew it was a useless plea; of course Jim would have been in danger, but he wished to hear it hadn’t been so. It wouldn’t give him much comfort, but it would help a little to know that even though his soul had been torn apart, Jim’s life had at least been safe.</p><p>“I chose my clients with care. They were, as you saw, all wealthy men and women who wanted something they normally couldn’t get. I never worked off the street and I only did this when there was no mercenary job in sight and money was running low. I always used protection and was as careful as I could be.” His voice was emotionless as he stated those facts and that frightened Blair more than if he had had difficulty getting these things said.</p><p>“Did they… You were hurt,” Blair wasn’t sure what he was asking but he prayed Jim’s wounds the last 13 months had been from fights, though he knew they most likely hadn’t been; at least not all of them.</p><p>“Some would refuse to pay and we would fight. Others wanted something…painful with someone who couldn’t say no. It paid better and it was over quicker, saving me from having to find several jobs instead of just one. Fast money,” Jim’s voice sounded far away and detached even to his own ears, desperately needing that to keep from reliving nightmares that would have killed his soul and burned his pride and self-respect to a crisp if he had allowed the emotions and memories to set in.</p><p>Blair shivered at the mental image those words brought up. “But you paid with your soul,” Blair mumbled softly, his eyes burning. What if the price Jim had paid had been so great it would eventually destroy him? Despite Jim’s military training and ability to detach himself emotionally, it was still a reach to believe he would be strong enough to bury all the hurting emotions this ordeal must have brought him. Would Jim allow anyone to help him? Would he end up hating Blair for what he had gone through? Even if that wasn’t the case, then how could Blair ever live with himself, knowing he had been the cause of all this? How could they ever move past this as friends, lovers, and soul mates? </p><p>Jim shook his head. “You are my soul, Blair. As a soldier, I learned what cannot be avoided, must be endured.”</p><p><br/>
“It’s that simple?” Blair almost yelled and Jim nodded once.</p><p>It had to be that simple; it was all he had. If he was to survive this, if their love was to survive this… Then it had to be that simple. “It has to be. If you think of what you’re doing…what you’re made to do…” For the first time Jim’s voice threatened to break down, but then his mask was back in place. “It’s better not to think about it. Just move on.”</p><p><br/>
“But can you?” Blair whispered softly. “Can we?”</p><p>Jim smiled sadly. “You were never supposed to find out. You’re getting your Ph.D. in a few weeks and will be working as a professor at the university and my reputation as a mercenary has risen with each job I’ve taken. This was the last night, the last time I needed to do this. We were safe now…settled.” He shook his head. “You were never supposed to know.”</p><p>“Each job?” Blair asked, beyond being shocked at this point, simply wanting to know.</p><p>“I chose each job carefully. People have paid me to get stolen items and lost children back, to spy on family members and friends…to kill people, often rich people who had bribed the system and who I, with my senses, could tell for certain were guilty… Things like that,” Jim carefully explained and Blair nodded once.</p><p>The last part he wasn’t comfortable with, killing of any kind was something he was against; but Jim would have killed these people in the line of duty as well, so he forced himself to accept that the difference wasn’t all that big, even if he knew it was. Killing a guilty man in self defense and killing him in cold blood were two very different things, but he couldn’t dwell on that now; he refused to do so. Right now that was the least of his worries, and he wasn’t sure if he liked that. He wasn’t sure if he liked the fact that Jim keeping secrets from him and doing all this for him bothered him more than the fact that Jim had killed someone.</p><p>“You sold your soul for me and I was never to know… Never?” Blair asked softly. Jim put a hand on either of his cheeks, their eyes locking.</p><p>“Maybe in time, many years from now, but this was my gift to you.” His voice was strong and sure, filled with warmth and love. Blair searched his eye to find any kind of resentment in them, any hint that Jim had regretted what he had done, but he found only love and a hint of pain that Jim couldn’t hide. It was humbling and a bit disturbing to know Jim had done all this for him and seemingly didn’t regret it. He briefly wondered if Jim had felt this way when Blair had given up on his dream for him. Only that had been different. He had been able to get his dream back. It had been hard and humiliating, but he had managed to get his dream back. With a shock Blair realized that he didn’t even know what Jim’s dream was.</p><p>Blair pulled out of Jim's touch and looked at the floor. “It’s too much,” he whispered softly, his voice tight with emotions.</p><p><br/>
Jim shook his head and his voice was certain. “Nothing is too much.”</p><p><br/>
Blair slowly raised his head and met Jim’s eyes and his next words were said in a tearful voice, tight with emotions, regret and sadness the most dominating of these. “After all you’ve done for me…all you’ve given to me…and I can't say for certain if I can get past this.”</p><p>Jim nodded solemnly, having expected as much ever since he had spotted Blair earlier that night as he had been dropped off, yet the words still struck him like a blow. “I understand,” he said softly; but despite his brave attitude, Blair noticed a small tear escaping his eye as his shoulders slumped in defeat.</p><p>“God damn you,” Blair whispered tearfully as he fell into Jim’s arms. “I never asked you to do this for me. I never asked you to. Why? Why did you do this?” He began to hyperventilate, his body shaking from his tears and all the emotions he felt inside. “I can’t…I can’t…”</p><p>His legs gave way under him and he slowly sank to the floor, still held in Jim’s embrace as Jim let himself sink to the floor with him. Jim stroked his hair and mumbled small comforting words to him, asking him to calm down. They sat on the floor for what felt like forever, Blair holding Jim tight, crying for all he was worth. Finally, Jim drew back and lifted Blair’s head up with a hand under his chin so that they were face to face. Blair noticed tears on Jim’s cheeks.</p><p>“I love you. I will always love you. That is the answer to all your questions, fears, and doubts,” Jim said softly.</p><p>Blair reached a shaking hand up and wiped a tear from Jim’s cheek. “I love you too. Maybe we can try and rebuild what we lost here tonight,” he whispered, his voice sincere and thoughtful. Whatever had happened and would happen, he had never doubted that Jim loved him. Despite the pain and the hurt they both felt inside, they had to at least try to make this work. After all they had both given up to stay together…It was the least they could do, no matter how painful it was just now for Blair to look at Jim because he felt so much guilt over knowing he had been the cause of Jim's pain and humiliation, no matter how unintentionally it had been.</p><p>Jim smiled a little, allowing himself to feel a flicker of hope. “A maybe is better than a certain no,” he whispered as he drew Blair into a kiss. Maybe…maybe their relationship could survive this show of sacrifice, this show of giving all for love, as well as it had survived Blair’s sacrifice and his giving of everything he had for love. Not all sacrifices accomplished their goal, as a military man Jim knew that better than anyone, but as long as there was still hope…</p><p>Maybe…</p><p>For now maybe would have to do.</p>
<h2>The End</h2>
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